10 Reasons Why Your Employees Hate You (part 1)

So you think you're doing a really good job keeping your business running in a bad economy. You haven't even had to lay off any staff and even provide rudimentary health and retirement benefits. In fact, you even hosted a real live holiday party and paid for everyone's lunch and drinks.

Your employees must love you, right?

Not necessarily. If you're regularly doing any of the following things, figure at least half your staff are already circulating their resumes -- and those that aren't are either waiting/planning for you to die or hoping to jump ship the second the job market opens up.

1. Treat the phrase "good job" as a dirty word. Ditto "please," "thank you," or anything else that might give the impression you care what they think.

2. Berate and embarass employees, preferably in front of each other. Hold special meetings that take them away from their regular tasks to do this.

3. Routinely expect employees to work nights and weekends. Don't pay them extra and don't acknowledge their 'above and beyond' contributions.

4. Never, ever take the word of an employee to be the truth. Double-check everything they tell you. Preferably in front of them. Then, when it turns out they were in fact on-target, express your astonishment that they were right after all.

5. Make sure to promote white men at every opportunity. Don't explain to anyone else who might have expected the position why they were passed over. Better yet, hire a new white man from outside for any higher-level jobs that arise.

6. Don't allow employees to master jobs so that they feel important to the company. After all, everyone is replaceable. Employees who feel ownership of projects might start to feel needed, and you want everyone to be terrified of losing his or her job at any time. That's the way to get maximum workload out of your staff.

7. If your salespeople bring in huge accounts, take them away at the earliest opportunity so as to pay as little 'extra' commission as possible.

8. Remember always who works for who. You don't owe any employee a smile, a good morning, or small talk of any kind. Invite them into your presence only when you want to grill them, or when you otherwise need them (for example, to answer client questions you're unable to).

9. When absolutely forced to make contact with an employee, be as snotty as you can. After all, what are they going to do about it?

10. Ask employees what they think. Then make fun of their opinions and resume business as usual.

Oh, and if you're a boss and you think this is about you...it probably is. Expect another installment of 10 Reasons Your Employees Hate You as I feel like doing it. And, to be fair, look for a companion piece, "Why You REALLY Got Fired" in the near future as well.

Now go do something constructive and get the hell off my lawn.