Why You REALLY Got Fired

With unemployment hovering in the neighborhood of 10 per cent, there are a couple of people out there who got laid off for reasons that really were absolutely beyond their control.

I'm talking to the rest of you.

You know who you are. You're the one who got an official warning and thought it was just your boss having a bad day. You're the one who still asked newbie questions, more than a year after starting your job. You're the one who picked fights and whined about your boss and your job and your workflow.

In short, you're the one who was a pain in the ass.

Now, it's true that not every pain in the ass in any workplace will get fired. First, the majority of a company's major pains in the ass own the company. Second, the select few employees who can take a shit in the boss' office and still not get fired are providing something so valuable that the company simply can't afford to fire them. (Yet.) Or they're sleeping with someone. For now. In either case, they are the exception that proves the rule. You're the rule. And now you're the one out of work.

So, what have you learned from this experience, other than the obvious "don't be a pain in the ass"? Here are a couple of tips for establishing yourself as a contributing asset to any company:

1. Smile. At least pretend to smile. If you're having a bad day, it's no one's business but your own. This is especially true if you deal with customers of any kind.

2. Pay attention. This isn't junior high school and no one's gonna pay you to pick your ass. If the popcorn machine is empty, fill it. If the copier needs toner, find out how to order it. And when the opportunity presents itself for you to prove you're smarter/better/more motivated than the typical moron you work with, do it. It will be noticed, even if you don't think so at the time.

3. Learn your job. Stop asking dumbass questions by the end of the second week. If you can't be bothered to learn what you're doing, make a list. Make flashcards. Just don't keep bothering other workers asking them how to do your job.

4. Get out of my face. I don't want to hear your phone argument with your landlord any more than you want to hear about my rectal fissure. Let's make a deal...I don't share with you and you don't share with me. This also applies to body odors, farts, descriptions of your bowel movements and anything at all to do with your adorable children. If I care I'll ask. And don't expect me to ask.

5. Learn from your mistakes. Outside of Los Angeles no one expects you to be perfect. You will make mistakes. It's as inevitable as death, taxes and the guy in front of you at the toll booth who stops to ask directions. Just don't keep making the same mistake over and over or people will start to assume you're an idiot. And that assumption will probably be right.

6. Get the hell off the Internet. You think no one's tracking how much time you waste reading crap like this? If you're reading this at work you'd better be on your lunch break, the boss or sleeping with the boss.

The rest of you, get back to work and get the hell off my lawn.